"I Feel Better When I Avoid It" Why Avoidance Can Make Anxiety Stronger

One of the most difficult things about anxiety is that some of the strategies that make us feel better immediately can make anxiety worse in the longer term.

Avoidance is probably the clearest example.

If going into a busy supermarket makes you anxious, leaving the supermarket reduces the anxiety.

If you are frightened of speaking in a meeting, staying quiet prevents the uncomfortable feeling.

If opening an email makes you anxious, not opening it gives you temporary relief.

From the brain's point of view, this seems like excellent evidence.

"I felt anxious. I escaped. I felt better. Escaping worked."

So the next time the situation appears, your brain encourages you to avoid it even more quickly.

This is one of the ways anxiety can gradually make someone's world smaller without them necessarily noticing it happening.

Avoidance Isn't Laziness

I think this is important to say at the outset.

People who avoid things because of anxiety are not simply being lazy or unwilling to challenge themselves.

Anxiety is designed to protect us.

If your brain believes that something represents a threat, moving away from it is an entirely logical response.

The problem is that our threat system can sometimes become overprotective.

A situation may feel dangerous without actually being dangerous.

And if we always escape whenever that alarm activates, the brain never gets the opportunity to learn anything different.

Why Does Avoidance Feel So Effective?

Imagine someone who has experienced a panic attack on a train.

The next time they need to travel, they feel anxious before they have even reached the station.

They decide to drive instead.

Almost immediately, they feel relieved.

That relief is powerful.

Their brain has effectively learned:

"Good decision. We avoided the train and nothing bad happened."

But there is another possible explanation.

Perhaps nothing bad would have happened on the train either.

The person never gets the opportunity to discover this because they escaped before the experiment could take place.

Over time, one avoided train journey can become avoiding trains altogether. Then perhaps buses feel difficult too. Eventually, travelling any significant distance from home begins to feel unsafe.

This is how avoidance can spread.

There Are Lots of Ways to Avoid Something

Avoidance is not always obvious.

Sometimes we physically stay away from something that frightens us.

But there are more subtle versions.

Someone with social anxiety might attend a party but spend the entire evening looking at their phone so that nobody speaks to them.

Someone worried about their health might avoid reading anything medical because it triggers anxiety.

Another person might repeatedly ask their partner to make telephone calls on their behalf.

Someone afraid of making mistakes might procrastinate until there is no longer enough time to attempt the task properly.

These strategies can all reduce anxiety in the short term.

The question is what they teach the brain over time.

Start With the Edge of Your Comfort Zone

Recognising avoidance does not mean you should immediately force yourself into the most frightening situation imaginable.

That can be overwhelming and unnecessary.

I usually think in terms of gradually expanding the edge of what feels manageable.

If someone has become frightened of driving, the first step may not be a three-hour motorway journey.

It might be sitting in the driver's seat.

Then driving around the block.

Then making a short familiar journey.

Then gradually increasing the distance.

The exact steps will be different for everyone.

The important principle is that progress usually comes from approaching situations in manageable stages rather than repeatedly escaping them.

Anxiety Doesn't Have to Disappear Before You Continue

This can be a particularly important shift.

People sometimes believe that an exposure has only "worked" if they stopped feeling anxious.

They enter a difficult situation and monitor themselves closely.

"I'm still anxious. This isn't working."

But the goal is not necessarily to make anxiety disappear immediately.

A much more useful lesson can be:

"I felt anxious and I still managed to do it."

That teaches the brain something different.

Anxiety becomes an uncomfortable experience that you can tolerate rather than a signal that you must escape.

With repetition, the anxiety may reduce. But even when it doesn't disappear completely, your confidence in handling it can increase.

Notice Your Safety Behaviours

Sometimes we approach a feared situation while still doing things designed to guarantee our safety.

These are often called safety behaviours.

Someone worried about fainting might always stand beside an exit.

A person with social anxiety might rehearse every sentence before speaking.

Someone frightened of having a panic attack might never leave home without another person.

These behaviours can feel essential.

The difficulty is that when nothing bad happens, the person may conclude:

"I only coped because I had my safety behaviour."

Rather than learning that the situation itself was manageable, they learn that they survived because they took special precautions.

Reducing safety behaviours gradually can therefore be an important part of overcoming anxiety.

Don't Turn This Into Another Test You Can Fail

As with most mental health strategies, there is a danger of becoming too rigid.

You decide that you must face something today.

You become overwhelmed and leave.

Then the self-criticism begins.

"I've failed again."

That is rarely helpful.

Progress with anxiety is often uneven.

Some days will be easier than others. Stress, tiredness and what else is happening in your life will affect how manageable things feel.

The aim is not perfect bravery.

It is gradually creating more opportunities for your brain to discover that anxiety can be tolerated and that situations may be safer than they feel.

Ask What the Avoidance Is Costing You

Sometimes it helps to move the focus away from anxiety itself.

Instead of asking:

"How can I make sure I never feel anxious?"

Ask:

"What is anxiety stopping me from doing?"

Perhaps it is stopping you travelling.

Seeing friends.

Going to university.

Applying for jobs.

Eating in restaurants.

Driving.

Speaking in meetings.

Taking your children somewhere.

When we frame the problem this way, the purpose of facing anxiety becomes clearer.

You are not deliberately making yourself uncomfortable simply to prove that you can.

You are trying to reclaim something that anxiety has gradually taken away.

A Final Thought

Avoidance is understandable because it works.

At least initially.

You avoid the situation, the anxiety decreases and your brain concludes that you made the right decision.

But relief and recovery are not always the same thing.

Sometimes the strategy that makes today easier quietly makes tomorrow more difficult.

The alternative is not to throw yourself into every frightening situation and hope for the best.

It is to begin making small, deliberate choices not to let anxiety make every decision for you.

Stay a little longer.

Take one small step closer.

Do something without one of your usual safety behaviours.

Allow yourself to feel uncomfortable without immediately interpreting that discomfort as danger.

Every time you do this, you give your brain the opportunity to learn something new.

Not that anxiety will never appear.

Not that everything will always go perfectly.

But that feeling anxious and being unsafe are not the same thing.

And gradually, the question can change from:

"How do I avoid feeling anxious?"

to:

"What would I choose to do if anxiety wasn't making the decision?"

That is often where someone's world begins to get bigger again.

Dr James Glass
MBChB MRCPsych
Medical Director, WMI Psychiatry