"How Was I Supposed to Know That?" Understanding Unwritten Social Rules in Autism

One of the conversations I find myself having quite often during autism assessments begins with somebody describing a social situation that left them feeling confused.

They tell me that they thought the conversation had gone well, only to discover later that they had upset someone. They describe leaving a meeting wondering why everybody laughed at a particular comment or why the atmosphere in the room suddenly changed. Sometimes they explain that they have spent years worrying about social interactions, replaying conversations in their mind and trying to work out what they might have missed.

What often becomes clear is that the difficulty is not a lack of interest in other people. Quite the opposite. Many autistic people care deeply about their relationships and genuinely want to understand those around them. The challenge is that so much of human communication depends on rules that are never actually explained.

We Learn More Than Words

When we think about communication, we usually think about the words people say.

In reality, conversations involve much more than language alone.

We notice facial expressions, changes in tone of voice, body language, pauses, eye contact and subtle shifts in emotion. We recognise when someone is joking, being sarcastic or politely hinting at something without saying it directly.

Most people learn these patterns gradually throughout childhood without consciously thinking about them.

Many autistic people describe feeling as though everyone else was given a rulebook that they never received.

Trying to Work Things Out

One thing that has always impressed me is the amount of effort many autistic people put into understanding social situations.

They describe observing other people carefully, looking for patterns and trying to work out why certain responses seem to be expected. Some tell me they learnt conversations almost like learning a second language, gradually developing strategies that helped them navigate situations that never felt entirely intuitive.

Over time, many become remarkably skilled at this.

From the outside, they may appear socially confident.

What often remains hidden is the amount of thinking that continues behind every interaction.

The Cost of Constant Analysis

Many adults tell me that conversations rarely end when they walk away.

Instead, they continue in their mind for hours afterwards.

They wonder whether they spoke too much, interrupted someone, misunderstood a joke or came across as rude. They replay the conversation repeatedly, searching for clues that everyone else seemed to notice immediately.

This constant analysis can be exhausting.

It also explains why social situations sometimes continue to occupy someone's thoughts long after everyone else has moved on.

Direct Communication Can Be Easier

One of the things I often encourage families, friends and colleagues to remember is that many autistic people appreciate clear and direct communication.

Rather than expecting someone to read between the lines, it can be helpful to say exactly what you mean.

If plans are changing, explain the change clearly.

If feedback is needed, make it specific and constructive.

If somebody has misunderstood something, a straightforward explanation is often far kinder than assuming they should have realised.

Clear communication benefits everyone, but it can make a particularly significant difference for autistic people.

Understanding Yourself

For many adults receiving an autism diagnosis, one of the greatest sources of relief is realising that they were not failing socially because they weren't trying hard enough.

They had often spent years trying exceptionally hard.

What they lacked was not effort.

It was an understanding that their brain was processing social information differently.

That realisation can be transformative.

Instead of viewing themselves as awkward or socially incapable, they begin to understand why certain situations have always required so much concentration.

Building Relationships

Understanding autism is not about expecting the world to change completely.

Relationships always involve compromise, patience and learning from one another.

At the same time, greater awareness can help reduce unnecessary misunderstandings.

When both autistic and non-autistic people become curious about how the other experiences communication, conversations often become easier rather than more difficult.

Mutual understanding usually achieves far more than expecting one person to do all the adapting.

A Final Thought

One of the biggest lessons I have learnt from working with autistic people is that communication is never just about words.

It is about expectations, assumptions and countless unwritten rules that many of us rarely notice until we meet somebody who experiences them differently.

For many autistic people, those rules have never been invisible.

They have simply never been obvious.

Recognising that difference doesn't just help us understand autism.

It helps us become clearer, kinder and more thoughtful communicators with everyone.

And perhaps that is a lesson we could all benefit from.


Dr James Glass
MBChB MRCPsych
Medical Director, WMI Psychiatry