"Am I Being Selfish?" Learning to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty

One of the patterns I often see in people who are overwhelmed is that they are remarkably good at recognising what everybody else needs and much less comfortable recognising what they need themselves. They agree to additional work when they are already exhausted, answer messages when they desperately need some quiet time, rearrange their plans to accommodate other people and say yes to things they would much rather decline. Eventually, they become stressed, resentful or completely depleted.

When we talk about setting boundaries, people sometimes imagine becoming cold, inflexible or selfish. In reality, healthy boundaries are usually much less dramatic. They are simply a way of recognising that your time, emotional energy and capacity are finite, and that looking after them is part of maintaining your mental health.

Why Can Saying No Feel So Difficult?

For some people, saying no produces an immediate feeling of guilt. They worry that the other person will be disappointed, think badly of them or decide that they are difficult. Sometimes they have spent years being the reliable person who helps everyone else, so changing that pattern can feel surprisingly uncomfortable.

This can create a situation where saying yes feels easier in the moment, even when it creates problems later. You agree to something you do not really have capacity for and immediately avoid the discomfort of disappointing somebody. The difficulty arrives afterwards, when you are trying to fit another commitment into an already overloaded week.

In that sense, automatically saying yes can sometimes work a little like other forms of avoidance. It removes an uncomfortable feeling now, but the longer-term cost can be significant.

Give Yourself Time Before Answering

One of the simplest strategies is to stop answering immediately. You do not have to decide the moment somebody asks you for something.

If your automatic response is to say yes, create a little space between the request and your answer. You might tell someone that you need to check your diary or that you will come back to them later. This gives you an opportunity to think about whether you genuinely have the time and energy rather than simply responding to the pressure of the moment.

During that pause, ask yourself what agreeing would actually involve. Do you have enough time? What would you need to move or cancel? Are you agreeing because you genuinely want to help, or because you are frightened of how it will feel to say no?

Sometimes a few minutes of distance is enough to make the answer much clearer.

A Boundary Does Not Need a Long Explanation

People who find boundaries difficult often feel that they need to build a legal case for having one. A simple no becomes a lengthy explanation of everything happening in their life and all the reasons they cannot possibly agree.

Usually, this is not necessary.

You can be warm and polite while still being clear. Saying that you cannot take something on at the moment may be enough. You can acknowledge that somebody is disappointed without changing your decision simply to remove their disappointment.

Over-explaining can sometimes reflect our own discomfort rather than the other person's need for information. We are hoping that if we provide a sufficiently convincing explanation, the other person will give us permission to have the boundary.

You do not always need that permission.

Feeling Guilty Does Not Mean You Have Done Something Wrong

This is probably one of the most important things to understand about boundaries. If you are used to putting other people's needs before your own, setting a reasonable boundary may initially feel wrong even when it is entirely appropriate.

The feeling of guilt can easily be mistaken for evidence. You think, "I feel terrible about saying no, so perhaps I shouldn't have said it."

But emotions do not always tell us whether a decision was right or wrong. Sometimes they simply tell us that a decision was unfamiliar.

You can feel guilty and still maintain the boundary.

The guilt may reduce as your brain gradually learns that saying no does not automatically lead to rejection, conflict or catastrophe.

Boundaries Work Better When They Are Clear

Unclear boundaries can create difficulties for everyone involved. If you reluctantly agree to something while secretly hoping the other person will realise that you do not want to do it, they may genuinely have no idea that there is a problem.

It is usually kinder to communicate clearly.

This does not mean becoming confrontational. A boundary can be calm, respectful and straightforward. The aim is not to control what somebody else does. It is to communicate what you are able or willing to do.

There is an important difference between saying, "You are not allowed to contact me in the evening," and saying, "I don't usually respond to work messages in the evening, so I'll come back to you tomorrow."

The second statement describes what you will do rather than attempting to control somebody else's behaviour.

Pay Attention to Resentment

Resentment can sometimes be useful information.

If you repeatedly find yourself feeling angry that people ask too much of you, it may be worth considering whether they are actually demanding too much or whether you are repeatedly agreeing to things you do not want to do.

Sometimes the problem genuinely is another person's behaviour. At other times, they may not realise how much you are struggling because you continue saying yes.

This does not mean blaming yourself. It means recognising the part of the situation that you can influence.

A useful question is: "What am I repeatedly agreeing to and then wishing I hadn't?"

The answer may identify a boundary that needs attention.

Boundaries Apply to Technology Too

Modern life has created an expectation that we are constantly available. Messages arrive throughout the day, work emails appear in the evening and phones allow other people's requests to enter our attention almost continuously.

Being contactable does not mean you have to be continuously responsive.

It is reasonable to have periods when notifications are turned off. It is reasonable not to answer non-urgent messages immediately. It is reasonable to protect time for sleep, family, hobbies or simply doing nothing.

If your brain never receives a signal that the day's demands have finished, it can become very difficult to properly switch off.

Sometimes a boundary is not a conversation with another person. It is putting your phone in another room.

Not Everyone Will Like Your Boundaries

This is one of the more uncomfortable realities.

Good boundaries do not guarantee that everybody will be pleased with them. Someone may be disappointed when you decline an invitation. A colleague may have preferred you to take on the extra task. A family member may be accustomed to you always being available.

Their disappointment does not automatically mean your boundary is unreasonable.

Of course, boundaries can themselves become rigid or inconsiderate, and relationships involve compromise. It is worth listening when people we trust tell us that something is affecting them.

But there is a difference between considering another person's feelings and making it your responsibility to ensure that they never experience disappointment.

Healthy relationships need room for both people's needs.

Start With Small Boundaries

If you have spent years automatically accommodating other people, suddenly changing every relationship in your life is probably unrealistic. Start somewhere manageable.

Perhaps you stop checking work emails after a certain point in the evening. Perhaps you decline one commitment during an already busy weekend. Perhaps you tell somebody that you cannot speak right now but will call them tomorrow.

Notice what happens.

Often, the consequences are much less dramatic than our minds predicted. People adapt. Relationships survive. The world continues turning.

And gradually, saying no can begin to feel less like an act of rejection and more like an ordinary part of managing your life.

A Final Thought

There is nothing wrong with being generous with your time and energy. Caring for other people, helping when you can and occasionally inconveniencing yourself for somebody who matters to you are all important parts of relationships.

The difficulty comes when helping other people consistently requires abandoning your own needs.

You cannot make yourself permanently available without something eventually giving way. Sometimes that is your sleep. Sometimes it is your patience, your relationships, your physical health or your ability to enjoy anything outside your responsibilities.

Setting boundaries does not mean deciding that your needs are more important than everybody else's. It means accepting that they are important too.

At first, that may feel uncomfortable. You may worry that you are being difficult. You may feel guilty when somebody is disappointed.

That discomfort does not necessarily mean you need to change your answer.

Sometimes the healthier strategy is to allow somebody else to be disappointed and discover that you can tolerate it.

Because saying no to one more demand is sometimes what allows you to keep saying yes to the parts of your life that matter most.

Dr James Glass
MBChB MRCPsych
Medical Director, WMI Psychiatry