Why Trying to Do Everything the "Normal" Way Often Doesn't Work

One of the most common things I hear during autism assessments is, "I've always felt like everyone else seems to find life easier than I do."

People often tell me that they have spent years watching how others organise their day, manage relationships or complete everyday tasks, and they have assumed that the only way to succeed is to do things exactly the same way.

When those strategies don't work, they frequently conclude that they are the problem.

I don't see it that way.

More often than not, the problem isn't that the person is approaching life incorrectly. The problem is that they are trying to use strategies that were never designed for the way their brain works.

One of the most powerful things an autism diagnosis can offer is permission to stop asking, "How does everyone else do this?" and start asking, "What works for me?"

There Isn't One Right Way

We are surrounded by advice about how life should be organised.

Keep a paper diary.

Exercise first thing every morning.

Work in an open-plan office.

Network after work.

Enjoy busy social gatherings.

Multitask.

For some people, these ideas work brilliantly.

For others, they don't.

If you're autistic, forcing yourself to follow advice simply because it works for someone else can become exhausting. You may spend so much energy trying to fit someone else's system that you have very little left for the things that actually matter.

Instead of searching for the perfect strategy, try searching for the strategy that fits you.

Build Around Your Strengths

One of the biggest misconceptions about autism is that support should focus entirely on difficulties.

Of course, understanding challenges is important, but it's equally important to recognise strengths.

Many autistic people thrive when tasks are predictable, structured and purposeful. Some have exceptional attention to detail. Others have remarkable memories or an ability to focus deeply on subjects they enjoy.

Rather than constantly trying to improve areas that feel unnatural, ask yourself how you can use your strengths more often.

If visual reminders work better than written lists, use them.

If you concentrate best in complete silence, create opportunities for that whenever you can.

If routines make life easier, don't feel guilty about using them.

Strategies are far more likely to succeed when they work with your natural way of thinking instead of against it.

Stop Measuring Yourself Against Other People

Comparison is something I hear about regularly.

Someone tells me that their colleague can spend all day in meetings without becoming tired.

Another person wonders why their friend enjoys spontaneous weekends away while they find the idea stressful.

The truth is that you are comparing two different nervous systems.

Your goal is not to become somebody else.

Your goal is to understand yourself well enough to build a life that allows you to flourish.

That might mean saying no more often.

It might mean planning more than other people do.

It might mean needing more quiet time.

None of those things are failures.

They are simply reflections of how your brain functions.

Experiment Without Judging Yourself

One of the best strategies I recommend is to become curious.

Treat your life like an experiment.

If something isn't working, ask why.

Would shorter shopping trips help?

Would working from home one day each week make a difference?

Would taking regular breaks improve your concentration?

Would changing the order you complete tasks reduce stress?

Not every idea will work.

That's perfectly normal.

The aim isn't to find a perfect solution overnight. It's to keep learning about yourself without criticising yourself when something doesn't go to plan.

Success Doesn't Have to Look Like Everyone Else's

One of the greatest mistakes we can make is believing there is only one version of a successful life.

For some people, success is having a busy social calendar.

For others, it's having meaningful relationships with a small number of close friends.

For some, it's climbing the career ladder.

For others, it's finding work that allows them to use their strengths without becoming overwhelmed.

There is no universal definition.

The most fulfilling life is rarely the one that looks most impressive from the outside. It's the one that allows you to feel healthy, authentic and content.

A Final Thought

One of the most rewarding moments after an autism diagnosis is when someone realises they no longer have to spend every day trying to fit into someone else's mould.

Instead, they begin to ask different questions.

What environment helps me think clearly?

What routines give me energy?

What makes life feel calmer rather than harder?

Those questions are often far more valuable than asking how everyone else manages.

In my experience, the happiest autistic people are not those who have learnt to copy everyone around them.

They are the ones who have learnt to understand themselves.

Once you stop trying to live somebody else's version of life, you can begin creating one that genuinely works for you. That isn't taking the easy option. It is making a thoughtful and sustainable choice that allows you to thrive over the long term.

Dr James Glass
MBChB MRCPsych
Medical Director, WMI Psychiatry